APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

TACOMA, WA—Treating the amount of time that had passed since his last appointment as a source of great personal pride, local man Kyle Telford, 25, reportedly bragged to several friends Friday about how infrequently he receives dental care.

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The problem was that Mills was also single at the time and felt like all online dating sites sucked.

Eight years as president of one of the greatest satire sites of all time, The Onion. He is currently the CEO of Nerve and its new Nerve Dating site. The Onion had used it and that's how Mills knew of the Nerve -- and learned about the online dating business.

AUSTIN, TX—Immediately jumping into superficial action, local woman Catherine Nielson, 32, placed her cat, Reggie, on five minutes of half-assed observation Tuesday night after the gray tabby possibly ingested a small plastic thing from her apartment floor.

CINCINNATI—Issuing the proclamation directly to friends and family Wednesday afternoon, local man Sean Patterson officially announced he is no longer accepting television series recommendations at this time.

CHIPPEWA FALLS, WI—Saying that nothing rankled him more than hearing that kind of outrageous misrepresentation, Chippewa Falls, WI, resident Gary Miller told reporters Thursday that he absolutely hates when people from Eagle Point claim to be from Chippewa Falls.

LANCASTER, PA—Still unable to draw any solid conclusions from the unpredictable reactions she has experienced over her lifetime, local 32-year-old Michelle Waldman acknowledged Monday that she was even now not entirely sure where her body stands with lactose.

I will believe in a computer passing as human when it can play this kind of matchmaker.

Imagine: Selfish, know it all, type A meets spineless, insecure, mild-mannered type to boss around and bend to their will. Or yuppy overachiever seeks human resume to breed and make others think they have a perfect life to satisfy their unhappy but overbearing parents.

" If you watched an episode of Modern Family, it will match you with others who watched it, too.

"It helps create context for conversations as opposed to cold calling someone," Mills describes. Nerve Dating launched in December in one city, New York, and is now available in a handful more, but it's already attracted about 30,000 members and membership is doubling monthly.

HAMILTON, OH—Explaining that the child had casually brought up the name several times throughout the evening, dinner party guests confirmed Thursday that the 7-year-old daughter of one of their work colleagues was evidently under the impression that everybody knows who the fuck Aunt Dee-Dee is.