I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car.

ten simple rules for dating my-11

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

He is hurrying as fast as he can, and he's not only driving you, he's buying your movie ticket.

In fact, actually, not that I think about it, thanks so very much for stopping over - instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like vacuuming?

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world that relations without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.

Let me elaborate, when it comes to my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Should you happen to stop by here, please remember there is still such a thing as manners.As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my son to appear, and more than thirty seconds goes by, do not sigh and fidget, and do not snap your gum.The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.